By Nadine Briggs
Starting a new school year is always so exciting and for some kids, can also be anxiety-provoking. A child may spend considerable time contemplating his or her teacher assignment and might worry that he or she won’t know anyone in his or her class, especially if there is also a change in schools involved. Familiarity with other people helps us all feel more comfortable so when faced with a new environment, it is certainly understandable that many kids may feel anxious about this aspect of a new school year. This time of year can be particularly stressful if a child has general difficulty forming new friendships. Here are some of our tips on how to help guide your child through the first weeks of a new school year.
Tip #1: Encourage your child to try to make just one new friend. Set the expectation that making one new friend would be a huge success (which it is) and discourage your child from the impossible goal of trying to make everyone in the class like him or her. Connecting with one similarly-minded child is daunting enough without thinking about winning over an entire classroom.
Tip #2: Remind your child to say hi to kids at school and make the first friendly move with a greeting. Teaching kids to always greet others is a very simple but effective way to show friendliness and perhaps begin a conversation. If speaking to others is too anxiety-provoking, a smile will work to help your child appear approachable to other kids.
Tip #3: Practice conversation starters at grade appropriate levels – practice at the dinner table how your child could begin a conversation with a classmate. Teach your child that he or she can share information about his or herself even if the other child doesn’t ask. Practice asking the question and practice listening to the answer. Suggest that your child only ask two questions and then wait to see if the other child continues the conversation. We don’t want the conversation to move from chatting to a third-degree interrogation! Conversation is akin to a tennis match, with the words and questions being sent back and forth.
Tip #4: Teach your child active listening skills. Some kids need to be taught how to listen to others. Once your child asks a question, he or she needs to understand how to listen for the answer and to show interest in what the other person is saying. We talk to kids about listening to understand what the other person is saying, not only to be forming his or her own thought or reply. You can practice this skill at home by having a conversation about something boring with your child and having him or her practice showing interest. If your child is a literal thinker, he or she may tell you that this feels fake or as though he or she is lying when feigning interest. This is a good time to explain the concept of the white lie that is used socially to spare someone else’s feelings.
Tip #5: Suggest that your child throw out a feeler for a get-together. If it seems like a friendship is budding but your child is hesitant about having the friend over for fear of rejection, suggest that he or she throw out a “feeler” comment and see how it is received. For example, “Do you like to swim?” “Sure. I love swimming.” “Maybe you could come hang out at our pool sometime.” An offer to get together that doesn’t require immediate response or a firm commitment allows the opportunity to gauge the other child’s reaction to the invitation.
Tip #6: You can help your child fill you in about how he or she is doing socially by asking questions about the kids in his or her class – spread these questions out over a period of time to avoid the “interrogation effect” but ask questions such as:
Who did you sit with on the bus?
Who do you sit with at school?
Do you guys get to talk much?
What kinds of things does he like to do?
Do you know if she plays any sports?
Did you know him or know of him before this year?
Are there any kids that you’d like to have over sometime?
What is it about herthat you like?
Who else does he hang out with?
Who do you sit with at lunch?
Does she sit with you at lunch?
Who do you hang out with at recess?
Getting a sense of why your child chooses to socialize the way he or she does gives you an idea of when things are going well and you will be on top of things if his or her usual patterns change.
Tip #7: Remind your child that other kids want to make new friends too. This is especially true at the beginning of a new school year when all kids are looking to form new friendships. Encourage kids to look at a new group of classmates as an opportunity to make new friends.
Tip #8: Coach your child to show that he or she is friendly by helping others out. Your child should be reminded to ask the person if he or she wants help first, but offering to assist someone else shows that person that your child is a kind and caring. Kids who are shy may start by offering to help one other classmate with a classroom chore or by letting him or her go first at a game or activity.
Tip #9: Impress upon your child that facial expressions are an important piece of building friendships. Adopting a friendly facial expression helps to show others that your child is approachable. If a child is anxious, it may show in his or her facial expression. Practicing expressions for various moods either by playing a game of emotion charades or using a mirror can teach your child about how he or she appears to others.
Tip #10: As a parent, be patient. It may take time for your child to develop lasting friendships. Encourage your child to stick with it, never give up and be confident that those true friendships will form when the right buddy comes along.
