By Nadine Briggs
October is Down syndrome awareness month, so I feel it is a perfect time for me to address an issue that has been gnawing at me for a while. My lovely daughter, who has Down syndrome, is almost 20 years old now. In the 2 decades that I have been her mom, people in the community have, shall I say, “noticed”us while doing simple things such as shopping at the mall. I get it. She has Downs and most people do not, so she is a little different.
When she was little, we would get comments about how cute she was, and she WAS adorable. (In case you think I am exaggerating because I am her mom, check the photo. See?). Add on the times when she used sign language to communicate and she was a little ball of “oh my goodness!”
Back then, and for most of her life, staring has not been a big deal. People might have looked her way a little longer, maybe done a “double take,” but nothing that we could not handle or brush off as another day at the mall. It was par for the course in our life and something we barely noticed.
But something has changed, people, and not for the better.
Lately, the slightly longer glances have morphed into full-out gawking at her. Literally people are examining my daughter in the classic “top-down-down-up” fashion. In as “my mother’s heart starts to beat faster” kind of gawking. I feel myself readying to defend her. It is important to insert here that my daughter is not doing strange things to garner this attention. She is not being loud or outlandish. She’s just walking through a mall. Totally, normally walking through a mall carrying her shopping bag.
It is so pervasive and so intrusive that I feel compelled to speak to the gawker. And I do. This happens so much that there is a process to my response. First, I stare back to try to make eye contact. The gawker’s expression has everything to do with the intensity of mine. I then say, “Hi.” The t
one of this “Hi” is directly related to the level of rudeness of the gawker. It might sound friendly, or it may be said statement-style. It is a clear, “I see you, now look away.”
At times it makes me want to jump up on the nearest table at the food court, pull out a megaphone and say,
“DEAR MALL PEOPLE – THIS IS A FRIENDLY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT TO REMIND YOU THAT STARING IS RUDE. YES, MY DAUGHTER HAS DOWN SYNDROME. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HER, COME ON OVER AND SAY HELLO. BE FRIENDLY. INTRODUCE YOURSELF! SHE’D LOVE TO MEET YOU. SHE’LL SHAKE YOUR HAND, TELL YOU HER NAME, AND TELL YOU IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU. BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT SHE WON’T LOOK YOU UP AND DOWN. PARENTS, I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD IS STARING. HOW ABOUT WE SIT DOWN AND I’LL BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE AND WE CAN CHAT ABOUT HOW YOU CAN EXPOSE YOUR CHILD TO DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE?”
What would I say in our conversation over coffee? Teach children from a young age that staring or gawking at anyone that looks or acts differently is rude. It is okay, however, to coach your child, if they see someone that has disability and he or she is interested or curious, that is is usually perfectly fine to say a hello to that person. Depending on the circumstances, it may even be okay to ask questions in a respectful manner. Everyone wants to be seen, noticed and respected, and people with disabilities are no different in that aspect. If your child is shy or does not want to approach the person of interest, teach your child that staring is not okay, to notice and move on, and to save any comments or questions for later when you are in the car or at home.
You can take that lesson a step further and show your child how to celebrate the fact that there are many different people in the world. Go online and look up people with special needs who have done amazing things. There are many of them out there.
As I step down from the food court table and holster my megaphone and smooth my clothes, my feisty moment is over. For now. Until the next time my daughter is being subjected to rude gawking. Please, explore diversity. Someday you might find yourself standing on a food court table sharing your own enlightenment.
