Me: “Do the other kids like him?”
Teacher: She hesitated and then said “no” with a heavy, sad sigh.
This was part of a conversation I had with a wonderful first grade teacher after a classroom visit for one of the kids who had been attending my social skills program for two years. I knew him really well and he had made great progress during the time that he attended the social group. In the past, he used to have seemingly random mean moments toward other kids but we had moved on from that. Though his social skills were not perfect, he was able to get along quite well with others in social group. He still had his quirky moments, but he was a really nice boy and a great friend to the other group members.
The school visit was prompted by a conversation with his mom shortly after the school year had started. He had just begun going to a new school.
Me: “What’s lunch like for him?”
Mom: “Oh, he says that he’s so hungry, he really just wants to sit and eat.”
Me: “How about recess? What games is he playing and who is he playing with?”
Mom: “He says he just likes to run around at recess.”
Me: “Does he mention any specific friends?”
Mom: “Well, no one in particular but he says that he has friends.”
Me: “I’d like to see what’s going on at school. Those responses may be red flags and I’d like to be sure he’s adjusting well in his new school.”
The visit was enlightening to say the least. When we observe, that’s literally all we do. We take notes the entire time but we do not interact with any of the kids, even the kid who knows who we are and is wondering why we’re in his or her class. We usually just say that we are there to help out the classroom teacher.
So I watched. I watched this wonderful teacher with her math stations creating a fun, social, math lesson for the class. My little friend sought out a math station to participate in and found two of the boys playing a dice game. “Can I play too?” he said. “No,” said the kids. He seemed to shake it off and went off to find his own math activity with some flash cards. I couldn’t hear all he said but he interacted with two girls who gave him a few seconds of their time before walking away from him. Another boy was approached to see if he would use the flash cards with him. He spoke to him a little and the boy walked off to interact with other kids. My friend returned to his seat, alone with the math flash cards while the activities were winding down. The whole while, he was unable to find someone to do a math activity with, and in turn, missed out on the learning that occurred. It was heartbreaking.
The kids went out to recess at that point, but I had seen enough and needed to speak to the teacher.
Me: “I have a question for you. Do the other kids like him?”
Teacher: She hesitated and then said “no” with a heavy, sad sigh.
Me: “It looks like the kids essentially shun him. They don’t appear to interact with him or they give him a few seconds of their time before walking away. It this usually what happens? “
Teacher: “Yes. He had some personal space issues at the beginning of the year and it turned off some the kids even though he doesn’t do that stuff anymore.”
Me: “It’s not okay for them all to ignore him. As a class they’re shunning him and it needs to stop. The class needs a lesson in social skills.”
The teacher hadn’t realized that this type of exclusionary behavior was actually whole-class bullying by shunning. Thank goodness this teacher was incredible. She did talk to the class and everything changed. One class lesson in including others resulted in him being a valued member of the class. He started to play tag at recess. When they played ball, he actually got the ball passed to him by his classmates. By the end of the school year, he had five true friends who would come to his house for play dates. Just one thoughtful lesson on how to treat others in a first grade classroom and one boy’s entire life changed.
My young friend didn’t need me anymore. He didn’t need a social group; he just needed a second chance.
