by Donna Shea
It is my belief that respect is something that cannot be demanded and I purposely avoid using the word respect or phrases such as “you are being disrespectful” or “you need to respect me” when I work with children. I cannot make a child respect me. I cannot force anyone to respect me. Respect is something that I have to earn by my own words and actions. Respect is something that is only created if the feeling is mutual between parties. Respect can be won and respect can be lost. A great deal of the success that Nadine and I have with children is based on cultivating mutual respect.
Manners however, is something that I can insist on. We have been doing a lot of work on manners this summer. Manners is one of the main ingredient of respect. We can use manners whether or not we respect or agree with someone. Manners are basic, and I am distressed by how often in our culture these days, good manners are missing in our interactions.
In spite of all of the difficult times I had raising my boys, they were never rude in public or to other adults. In my summer program this year, I am witnessing or personally experiencing multiple occasions of lack of manners – from young children barking orders at me rather than using please and thank you, elementary-age kids leaving a trail of debris, spills and trash behind rather than cleaning up after themselves, abuse of community items, digging both hands into a bowl of community snacks and taking unreasonable amounts, as well as tones of voice that if I had ever used with an adult when I was a child would have had consequences that I am glad I never faced from my own parents. A last straw for me this week on the manner subject came when children in my waiting room hissed at me (in front of both parents) when I offered a friendly greeting. So, I am hopping up on my soapbox for a moment on this subject.
We have had several discussions on manners with the kids in the program in the last couple of weeks. All of the kids knew and could tell me what good manners are. We reviewed the expectations for manners each morning and in social groups. We talked about the difference between making social mistakes and working hard to use good manners and the purposeful choice to not use good manners. I told the kids I never have a problem with mistakes or giving reminders when needed. I do have a problem with deliberate acts of defiance and rude behavior after reminders have been given. I am careful to make sure that kids first know my specific expectations and that they know what good manners are and that I am happy to help them learn what I mean by good manners if they don’t. I also reinforce to the kids that unlike school, this is my space and those that deliberately choose not to try and use his or her manners will not be invited back. The premise of our social coaching is based on kids being receptive and willing to work at it. One of the boys asked me if I had ever “disqualified” anyone from coming back to my Center and I affirmed that was indeed the case, but that he did not have to worry as long as I could see that he was trying.
When I have a group of kids that are working on remembering and using basic manners, I implement a positive reinforcement plan for using good manners with each other. Many times, kids need a small reward to motivate them towards the changes we would like to see. In turning the tables to focus on when good manners are being used and a small treat at the end of the session for using them, I see an immediate increase in pleases, thank yous, cleaning up and friendly tones of voice. It doesn’t take long for kids to understand that in creating an environment that is full of good manners, not only is it much more pleasant for all, kids discover they actually receive whatever it is they were seeking much more easily – an item by asking politely, positive attention from peers and adults and a feeling of social and behavioral success. I am always surprised by how simple it can be to change the focus to positive and how hard kids will work for the price of a small piece of candy (or other small treat based on food restrictions).
Many times, I have noticed that kids with special or specific needs have learned and display terrific manners. For these kids, the challenging part is when peers or the rest of the world does not return those good manners in kind or with the expected response. However, I think that it is also important that we be careful not to give our special needs kids a “pass” on using good manners and to keep the bar and our expectations high. We are doing kids a significant disservice when we do not insist on learning and using the basics. The world will not like our kids if we don’t. Kids have it hard these days and the times they are growing up in are very different from ours. Not holding kids accountable for using good manners only makes it harder for them in the long run. Manners make us more likable. Manners are crucial for life success. Make manners matter.
