By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs
For the kids that attend our centers, bullying is an on-going concern. Lately, it feels to us that bullying is GROWING at an alarming rate, despite all of the bullying prevention talk and programs that are provided at schools.
It is foolish of us to think that we will ever prevent or stop bullying from happening completely. It is also foolish of us to think that children should handle being bullied on their own, learn to suck it up or work it out. We can give kids the tools and the language to use, but it up to us as adults to protect children from physical or psychological harm. There are very distinct differences between conflict and bullying. Coping with conflict is a different set of skills that could be discussed in another post. Kids should not have to cope with being bullied.
As we talk to adults or observe in schools, many times it is a matter of the adult not knowing what to say or do if he or she suspects a bad situation. There is actually a very simple action that you can take, and it only takes 9 seconds.* When do you use the 9-second response? When you see or sense something called Gray Zone behaviors. These are things that kids do to each other that technically do not break the rules. These are actions such as eye-rolling when another child speaks, giving another child disgusted looks, whispering in small groups about another child, insults wrapped in a derogatory tone of voice, cruel laughter or teasing and any other sneaky type of not-nice choices.
If we adults turn our backs, ears or “the sense that something is off” on Gray Zone choices, we are giving those children implied permission to continue those mean behaviors. Children given this permission will increase those behaviors into full-blown bullying because we have allowed it to happen.
The 9-second response is this simple:
Step 1: ALWAYS NOTICE. MOST IMPORTANT. Even if you just suspect it.
Step 2: Separate the kids, don’t mediate. Bringing the bully and victim together has been proven not to work and only makes things worse.
Step 3: Speak to the child who was demonstrating a gray zone behavior by using language such as, “I saw (or heard) that. It’s unkind, and I don’t want to see it (or hear it) again.”
Step 4: Follow up with the other child later only IF NEEDED. Keep the child who was mean on your radar to ensure that it has stopped. It can be in a friendly way, but he or she needs to know you have eyes on them.
Step 5: If it MIGHT be bullying, REPORT it using the systems in place for your particular school system.
We have all heard or seen the horrific and sad outcomes of children who have taken their own lives due to being bullied. If you think about it, your 9-seconds could very possibly someday save a life.
*The Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center (MARC) is the source for the 9-Second Response to Gray Zone Behaviors.
