By Nadine Briggs
Conversation skills can be very tricky for kids with social challenges. Thinking of the right thing to say, finding the timely moment to say it, giving just the correct amount of information and then remembering to listen for the response, are all difficult skills to master. Some kids allow all of their personality to flow through unfiltered upon meeting someone new or at the acquaintance stage of a relationship. This can make these kids seem a bit overbearing during an introduction or while getting to know someone, and hamper a friendship from moving to the next stage.
To provide a visual for kids to help manage this overflow of information, we use the image of a funnel. Upon meeting someone, we are at the small tip of the funnel. This is where we engage the use of “small talk,” which is an information-gathering conversation or general observations about a shared experience. For example, if kids meet at park in the summer, small talk would be “do you come to this park a lot?”, or, “what school do you go to?” A child who is not yet skilled at small talk will sometimes say things that are too personal, such as, “My hamster died yesterday” upon meeting someone. He or she tends to say whatever thought is on his or her mind instead of what he or she might say to get to know the other person. Thinking about others in terms of how to get to know them and not sharing too much is a challenging skill to learn. Visuals can help.
We also have kids on the other side of social situations who are reluctant to share anything at all or are at a total loss for what to say. These children tend to stay at the closed end of the funnel for too long and then come across as uninterested in the other person or people. Conversation “starters”, previewing, and coaching prior to social occasions, can be beneficial to shyer children. The type of conversation starters depends on the age of the child and the social experience that they are attending.
As the relationship develops over time, (and by time we are referring to days, weeks and months, not minutes or hours), it is expected that both friends will share more of themselves to the other person. If the friendship deepens and trust is developed, the relationship is at the wide part of the funnel and the friends can safely share whatever it is that is on their minds.
If a child is still learning how much to share and blurts out something he or she wishes he or she had not, we suggest a lighthearted repair by saying “that was random, wasn’t it?” about his or her own comment. We suggest this only if he or she is able to state this in a humorous, comfortable way and not as a negative rebuke of his or herself.
