By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs
The How to Make & Keep Friends social coaching approach includes taking what a child may already know and assisting them in applying that knowledge when it is needed. If you think about it, your child most likely can give you the right answer when asked what he or she should do in a given social situation. It is in the moment, when something is happening, that a child has difficulty drawing on that knowledge and his or her stronger need overrides the correct response.
Social mentoring involves getting a child to think things through. Rather than giving a directive or a flat-out adult response, we encourage kids to stop and consider the answer to the what or the why of a situation. Here are a few examples of actual social coaching moments with kids:
- There was a 7-year-old fellow who came into his social playgroup this past week and made his way to where there were a few holiday decorations out. He picked up this little elf from a display on table and before he could catch it, it fell to the floor and broke. His face also broke and it was clear that not only did he feel terrible about it, he wasn’t quite sure what to do next. He made an attempt to return it, thinking no one had noticed, but realized quickly that he had been seen. I gestured to him to come over and sit with me and he brought the little elf with him. I acknowledged to him, “Buddy, I can see you feel really badly that my elf broke.” He said he did. I then went on to ask him what step he missed. He replied, “I forgot to ask before touching it.” I agreed that was correct and then proceeded to ask him what he could do next. He apologized for breaking it and asked if he could fix it. I told him I appreciated that, but that taking responsibility was enough and I thought I had some super glue at home and would take care of it.
- Frequently children who attend social group will ask if they can have and take home a toy that he or she likes. My response to this question goes something along the lines of, “That is a cool toy isn’t it. What’do you think my answer might be?” A child will almost always respond that I am going to say no. I say, “that’s right, but do you know why I am saying no?” And again, the child typically gives the correct response that the toy would then not be available for everyone to play with.
- With an older child (10) the other day, I coached a scenario where he was taking power and control over a group of boys playing together and deciding who could and couldn’t play. Despite several attempts to reach an amicable and inclusive agreement, he was refusing to let a particular boy join the group. The other boys, who have been mentored by me for a longer period of time, invited the boy being left out to join them, leaving the first boy by himself. The boy who wanted control, who I have a great relationship with, then kept trying to engage me in conversation. I told him, “I’m sorry, I don’t really feel like talking with you right now. I am not feeling very friendly towards you at the moment.” He was surprised by that and also looked a little crestfallen. I let him feel that feeling for a minute or so and then I said to him, “do you know why I’m not feeling very friendly?” He said he knew that it was because he wasn’t being friendly to the other kids and I responded that was exactly right. A few moments later, he was inviting the other boy to join with him and all of the friendly feelings returned.
If your child has been struggling socially and receiving services for social skills for a period of time, chances are that he or she knows the clinical curriculum and correct responses. He or she may be having difficulty generalizing and applying that knowledge that has been given to him or her and you may feel as though that time (and dollars) invested has not worked as you had hoped. What your child may need now is to be given real-time and real play opportunities to practice and be guided to think through those whats and whys for his or herself.
